I Get By with a Little Help From My Friends

In my adventurous life I have had another epiphany. I can ask for help from actual people. This is a revolutionary concept, I know. The hard work of creating a life full of wonderful meaningful relationships is done. I don’t have people in my life unless there is connection, love, and respect there. Yet, when I get into a stuck place, a hard place, or a challenge, I don’t ask for help. I ask God, my guides, the powers that be, but not those who love and support me here in the physical world. This week has been my wake-up call. There was a time in my life when I couldn’t trust those around me; a time when I was on a self-destructing path and attracted similar people to me. That time is in the past but I was still operating as if I had to do it all alone. I felt ashamed that I would need someone else. This is connected to my feelings of making a mistake. My internal drive for perfection was a safe guard to protect me from having to rely on others. In the past when I relied on others it lead to disappointment. I had to talk myself into looking at my life differently. I started thinking about my relationships and how amazing they were. The out pouring of love and support that I have allowed myself to finally take in has been overwhelming. As a good friend of mine and I joke about, we have a low joy tolerance and can only let in so much.
I truly appreciate everyone in life, including all of you who read my blogs, interact with my Facebook page, clients, friends, and family. My life is so blessed I forget that it is okay for me to ask for more if I need it. I can be human, weak, and vulnerable. The people in my life all have their own strengths and would gladly use those strengths for my benefit in the same way I use mine for their benefit. I hope this blog helps someone else who may be trying to go it alone to ask for help. If it feels scary, think of someone you would help no matter what and ask them. I am sure they will feel the same way about you. It is safe for us to open and receive love continuously. Let it in.

A Ray of Hope

In my adult life I have lived out of a car, couch surfed, been served numerous 3 day pay or quit notices, had checking accounts closed on me, and many other fiscal crashes. Yet, with each experience I receive solutions, wisdom, and move forward on to my next step. Learning to trust and surrender has been my cycles, theme song, and mantra. As many of you know my grandfather passed away last month this led to me not really working much. Then my book that launched was not as successful as I had hoped. So, once again I face another financial crisis. This morning I went into meditation to gain guidance and wisdom. I connected and then realized I didn’t know what to ask. I heard a voice say “What do you want to know?”
I then had to think. What did I want to know?! I just wanted to know the solution. I then realized I knew there was a solution. I trusted the Divineness of this experience. I know that even though I don’t know why this is once again my experience, there is a reason for it. This experience is part of my highest and best, even if I can’t see it or don’t like it. I actually do trust! This was a wonderful realization. I was also in the act of surrender I just needed to be more conscious of it. My natural instinct to resist has finally been shifted to that of trust, but mentally I thought I was acting in the old behavior. So, even though I trusted and was in the process of surrendering I still wanted to know. I still wanted that false sense of security. I share this for you to know that every challenge you are facing right now no matter the situation; money, relationships, changing careers, moving, etc., you can trust it is perfect for your path. It can be scary, but the more times we push through our fear and make ourselves trust it builds a trust in us. The more times we can accept our experience as divine the faster the solution can come.
So, today I open to this experience, knowing that it will lead me to my highest and best and the only way forward is through it. I don’t have to enjoy it, but I can. I can feel scared, stressed, and worried, but it will not stop the solution that is already on its way to me.

My Grandfather the Orange

This last week my grandfather passed away. He was 91. I can’t think about him without thinking about oranges. He had been orange grower for Sunkist, growing, mainly, Navel Oranges down in Talure County, California (where I was born). I grew up eating oranges at the peak of season fresh from the tree. My friends here in Washington laugh at me because I can’t eat a store bought orange. For the first decade of my life I had never tasted anything but fresh picked from the tree. The memory of that taste, the sweetness, lives in me. It is a part of my being. I can bring the flavor to the tip of my tongue with just a thought. Oranges are in my blood.
My grandfather was like an orange. He had a thick skin that could be hard to initially get underneath of and when you did you would find some bitter parts, but there was sweetness there. As his granddaughter I experienced more of that sweetness then others. That sweetness, like the sweetness of the orange, lives in me still. I can close my eyes and be back on his porch on a hot summer night eating Klondike bars. In a moment I can be giggling at the time he couldn’t read the words on the Password board game and we all starting laughing so hard we couldn’t finish the game. In a breath I can transport myself and be back standing in his grove picking oranges.
When someone passes, or a relationship ends, we are confronted with many aspects of our relationship with them as well as the many aspects of who the person was. It is natural to go through levels of shock, anger, and sadness. It is normal to dig up old resentments and bitter memories. But the final step is to release these layers you have peeled back to find the sweet wedges of the relationship. You can always find the gifts that a person has brought you while they were in your life.
Tonight I sit and enjoy the sweet wedges of my relationship to my grandfather and release the bitter peelings they were wrapped in. Tonight I enjoy my Grandfather the orange.

Trust Me Trust You

I had an epiphany a few days ago about the last five to six years of my life. I had a moment five and a half years ago when I realized my marriage had fallen apart and it was time for me to leave it. I had been with my then husband for almost 10 years and we had two children. This moment was both freeing and terrifying. The events that unfurled from that moment over the last almost six years have left me completely changed. Every time I thought I knew why something was happening or where I was going the path seemed to dissolve in front of me. Once I surrendered the next step would reveal itself and I would start trying to figure it out again and then have it dissolve again. I had perceived this as my struggle with ego and confidence or control and surrender. In some ways it was that but it was also my fear. I have a fear of being myself and claiming my life. Many would think I do that. I seem strong, resilient, stubborn, and intense. I am all those things but I am also afraid. I fear success as much as I fear failure. Mostly I am afraid of the unknown. The true clarity of this came to me last week, not as a thought but as a feeling. Often my greatest epiphanies come to me as feelings not rational thoughts. This feeling was trust. If I could just trust I wouldn’t have to be afraid. I had to trust my body, my universe, my family, my friends, the environment, my government, and especially my guides. There was a time I had felt this. I was very young. When I was 4 I was invincible. My 4 year old self would take on the world. Slowly I started to lose that trust. People betrayed me, I was hurt, and life happened. I experienced a lot of challenges in a very short time. By the time I was 18 I felt pretty broken but I stilled trusted some things. I had put a lot of faith in love. If I couldn’t trust my heart and love, what could I trust? Well, my first husband help shatter that too. The funny thing is the last five years, in which I have felt the most alone and broken, has been my rebuilding of trust. I now trust myself, my gut, and my intuition more profoundly then I ever thought I could, AND I know that this will only deepen.
I could spend my day freaking out about my finances and how there isn’t enough to cover my bills. I could choose to stress over any issues I perceive my children to be experiencing, or over the way my ex-husband is behaving, or what someone else did. I could beat myself over my weight or my health or worry about my grandfather who keeps dancing on the edge of death and health. I could get so angry about my husband and the fact that he didn’t do the dishes or the laundry. I could cry victim and blame the world for my choices. Believe me, I could do all these things and do them so magnificently you stood there in awe. Today I choose differently. I choose to trust. I trust that when I feel the struggle and things don’t go as I wish it is still for my highest and best; that, no matter what, my reality is being created to fulfill me.
We all have challenges in our lives. Everyone knows this but it is hard to always feel it. We can sit there and assume everyone else is feeling free, having fun, secure, happy, rich, healthy, and fully enlightened, but that is not the truth. That is our fear screaming inside us to break our trust. When we have an experience of the mind comparing our hurt to someone else’s appearance then our fear is working to separate us. When we are separate then we do not trust. I invite you to trust right now. Trust that you are lovable right now as you are. Trust that your body is perfect and any dis-ease you are experiencing is there to open communication with you and your body. Trust that your finances are an ever changing flow and there will always be more and there will be times of less. Trust that the Universe is conspiring for your highest good, your greatest joy, and your deepest experiences. Any pain you are experience is there to remind you to open, release, and receive more love. Trust in yourself.

This is the Intermission

I have been personally feeling what I describe as a “push/pull” energy. I can feel, see, know, of amazing things on the horizon but can’t seem to touch, shift, or move towards those things. I feel overwhelmed by a to-do list that never seems to get done and keep burning the candle at both ends. It seems I am overwhelmingly busy and yet not getting anything accomplished. I thought this had to do with my personal “stuff” (which it does) but I noticed a lot of other people having similar experiences and expressing their discomfort in it. It can feel like, or even be, the next big step is right there and you want to take it but circumstances outside yourself are keeping you from moving forward. Even this blog, I had wanted to write but it took me running myself into the ground and getting sick to finally sit down and do it. This is an old pattern of mine I thought I had let go of. This is another part of the energy right now. Experiencing the past, be it people, places, or old cycles. I am having moments when I can smell the house I use to live in, relive a memory I thought was lost to time, and interact with people I thought I would never see again. I asked the Fairies for information about this and how to be more balanced in it. Here is what they had to say:

“You are in the intermission. Act 1 of 2012 has finished and Act 2 is about to begin but you need to rest so you can give Act 2 your full attention and intention.”
“Is Act 2 in 2013?” I asked
“It is a little different for everyone. Some started Act 2 this week, some still have a month or two before the overture starts. Others may not even notice when it does start, but we would suggest that this not be the case for you. We wish you all to be very aware of this rest time and the beginning. There will be lots of foreshadowing in these beginning stages, glints of the future, inspiration that will be buried and then bloom later. Please pay close attention to passing thoughts, visions, and dreams.”
“You talked about an intermission. How do we find peace or what should we be focusing on during this intermission?” I asked
“The intermission can feel uneasy and chaotic to some. Everyone is running around doing little things but feeling stuck. Take this time to breathe, relax, get your food (the things that feed you), and release what has been pressing on you. Get yourself to a place of feeling like you can sit and focus on the next big thing. This is a time to tie up loose ends and finish unfinished business. Very soon you will hear the first note of the band calling you back to your spot.”
“So, what I am hearing you say, is more of the surrender and acceptance which is always my personal issue.” I said
“Yes but also it is about being gentle with you. Letting go of your judgments and criticisms about yourself. Take care of your physical needs and allow yourself to rest or play or be silly. Do what you need to really release and relax.”

“Thank You Fairies”
I have found that just knowing the larger energy that we are working within can make it easier to operate within it. I hope this helps you find what you need in this moment for your soul.

A Great Message for the New Year ~ An excerpt from the book

I am working again on my book The Fairies and Me and came across this channeling. I felt like it would be helpful to many at this time.

“Today is the day you can stop living in fear. You do not have to believe that the world is dying or that everything is irreversible. Believe in the power of humans, Fairies, angels, bees, cats, dogs, whales, trees, flowers, fruit, aliens, dragons, crystals, dirt, stones, and all energies that are working towards the wholeness of this place you call Earth. The rebalance has already begun. Find the balance in you and let it shine out spilling deep into the earth, radiating out over the planet, up into the cosmos, and through all realms and all dimensions. We love you. We love your planet. We love all the amazing natural energies there. Join us in love. Open your heart

There are many of you who think it is unsafe to open your heart all the way; that this will make you vulnerable, weak, and open for attack, disappointment, and hurt. That is because you think opening your heart is like opening the door to a big empty house. NO! Opening your heart is like busting open a dam allowing the river to flow and flood where it has been drought. The power of love flowing from you when your heart is open is like a Giant waterfall spilling out and joining ‘The One’. There is no need to guard and protect when you are in that space of true powerful love. This is not just romantic love, but the love for life, the universe, the planet, and EVERYTHING. When you open your heart you explode with love, sending it into, and all over, everything around you. That is what you fear, not the vulnerability but the power. It is the uncontrollable wave that takes you over and forces you to crack open and release all those broken bits. Then you will be in love, then you will be in your wholeness, and then what will you do? What will you do? Will you embrace this amazing power that resides in you? Or will you keep running? Are you looking for Freedom?

Freedom is often misunderstood. People often see freedom as basically nothingness. This vast empty space that you fly along. But that is not freedom. Freedom is about being in your power, about stepping forward and not feeling the connection and ties to anyone. It is having pure motives and clear integrity. Freedom is knowing that you are speaking the truth. Knowing, and totally confident in yourself, and your knowing, and in the expression of who you are. Once you surrender your judgments, you surrender your insecurities, when you surrender your need to be in control of your life, when you surrender what you think you need and you release any preconceived ideas about yourself and the world; then you truly move into freedom. Being able to start each day as if it is the first one you have lived; seeing the magic and wonder of every miracle that surrounds you on the planet, seeing the gift in every person, that is to know freedom. Freedom does not come with something you gain. Freedom comes in letting go of it all, but not letting go of it all into nothingness; letting go of it all so you are light enough to be totally who you are and step forward. So embrace your freedom. Surrender all that you no longer need: everything that is not helping you or serving you at this time. Feel the freedom of releasing it all and being who you are.” – The Fairies

The Shootings

After the shootings in Connecticut, here in the U.S., I had many people ask me for a message from the Fairies to help gain some perspective and lift them out of their grief. I was having trouble doing it yesterday and I figured out why this morning. I needed to share a perspective I have gained from working with the Fairies about the violence in our society. Already people are calling for stricter gun control laws or blaming violence in the media. We are a violent society and I don’t believe that comes from the media or our weapons. To me that is like saying sadness comes from crying too much. The violent acts we see, feel, and experience are a reaction not a cause. We were incredibly violent for many years in this country before media. We fought wars, beat slaves, and experienced rape before there was even a radio. Plus the weapons were our inventions and they were not created without a purpose. We are not naturally violent but it is a natural reaction to oppression. When a wild animal is caged it lashes out. We are in a society that is very oppressive. It was incredibly oppressive and we were incredibly violent. Our society is becoming less and less violent as people become freer to pursue the lives, spirituality, and relationships that they want. This has been changing over time all over the world. In some countries there is more violent acts on a regular basis, then here in the U.S. and I would argue that those people are under a more oppressive government or religious rule. We have been seeing a lot of these types of governments tumbling down in the last few years and that is because it is time for Humanity to be free. We are in a time of chaos, shifting, and intense energies. This shift is not that we will all be love and light and happy all the time. This shift is about we as a society choosing; love over fear, compassion over hate, and conscious living over unconscious living. Why did this tragedy happen? It could be that it will put a spotlight on the untreated people walking around with wounded hearts and minds. It could be that it is time for us to revisit laws on our guns. It could be that these beings that passed needed to do their work on the other side. I don’t know and probably never will. We need to stop asking why and instead ask how we are going to react to it. I asked the Fairies for a message too. Here is what they had to say:
“This event has triggered in many of you grief, sadness, anger, and the feeling of powerlessness. We say trigger and not caused because those feelings were in you already. These feelings were in the mass consciousness of Humanity already. You do not need to figure out why the feelings were there just acknowledge them, feel them, and release them. These acts of violence that are occurring and will continue to occur all over your world and your reality are catalysts for these feelings to be released. It is like a wave that travels across the globe peaking high in certain spots and certain times. The US needed this catalyst to release and open to more compassion. There are no villains or evil doers to fight. There is just fear and wounds of the heart that can be dissolved with love and compassion. Take this time to reflect on where you still feel hurt and love that part of yourself. Look for those around you that are having trouble and love them in what ever seems the healthiest way. Mostly this is a reminder to focus love on the children in your life. Children hold the keys to joy, wonder, and love. Help them remember that, honor them, and give them the space to shine.” ~ The Fairies.

Welcome to the Apocalypse

The word “apocalypse” does not mean the end of the world. The true definition, from its Greek counterpart, is something that has been hidden being revealed. It means a revelation of truth. We are definitely in those times. Those end times. The times when that which has been hidden is being; revealed, underlined, highlighted and marked with a star. Denial is no longer an option. Some people need to leave this planet or this reality to join with the truth. Some people just need to face it and acknowledge it. It seems to me that the keys to our expansion are being handed to us right now. I had a BIG revelation this last weekend as did several of my friends and family. The ideas, relationships, feelings, etc., that had been the proverbial brick wall that we were banging our heads against suddenly became very clear. Instead of beating our brains against it, we were able to step back and look at clearly, as if for the first time. Sometimes clarity can be like a gentle sigh of relief that allows the ropes tied around you to fall away and at others it is the white hot intensity of a million suns melting away the chains you have bound yourself in. Either way the clarity sets you free. It allows you to see where you have punished yourself, shamed yourself, and blamed yourself (or those around you, or the universe). The clarity can feel like it is about other people, events of the past, or the situation we are in, but it is really about how we have lied to ourselves.

The last three months I had been in what felt like a downward spiral. I had lost confidence in myself and my abilities. I had doubt about what I had been doing or where I was “going” in life. I told my husband that I felt like I had spent the last 20 years building Stonehenge by myself. I had been carrying these huge blocks to the right place, carving them, and shaping them and setting them. People would come by and look in awe and say, “Wow that is really amazing. You are doing something really profound.” and then they walk away. I was thinking why the FUCK am I doing this! Is this really doing anything for anybody? More importantly is this really doing anything for me but causing me pain and wearing me out? We all have these dark moments when we need to question what and why we do what we do. It led me to a big “A Ha!” that was actually a few “aha”s put together.  The core of it is this. We are magic. I am magic. You are magic. We have to face our denial and fears so we can let them go and focus back on the magic of who we are. I kept trying to protect those I love from the world. If you asked me I would tell you that I felt safe and on a certain level that was true. I as a singular person felt safe and trusted the Universe to take care of me. I did not trust that those I love would be safe. Some how they needed me to protect them. How arrogant am I? I was interfering with other people’s paths for what I thought was best for them. I thought that I had to take care of them because I couldn’t trust that they were safe in the world. This includes various family members, friends, my husband, and my children. When I clearly got it I saw why I felt so alone. I had not let others in to help. I also had not given myself the space to fall deeper into my “work” by distracting myself with taking care of everyone else. The reason I was losing confidence was because I let others set my standards of success. Also I had ideas about what results I should be getting or how others should be “healing” from my actions with them and it was not manifesting that way. We manifest from what we need. I needed to see how I was interfering with others’ paths to avoid mine.

As we see all that is being revealed, be it personal or global, I hope your clarity feels more like a sigh of relief and you are able to celebrate your new freedom. For inspiration I suggest listening to “I’m Free” by The Soupdragons.

A Little Reminder

Many people start a powerful spiritual path with the idea that everything is now going to be pleasant. That because you are co-creating with God, talking to your guides, choosing the deeper spiritual way that it is smooth sailing from here on out. That the Fairies are going to magic away all of your problems. Then when things aren’t that way they feel like something is going wrong. The path is different for everyone but it seems that everyone has their moments of struggle, of feeling lost, and of doubt. One night when pondering this I wrote the following:

 

I stumble on this path I walk.

Feeling frustrated, broke, lost alone, and tricked again.

I know there is a plan. I created it so long ago,

That I can’t remember the purpose my friend and I had.

I smile at the thought of the moment when it reveals itself like a sudden crash.

It is the bolt of light that illuminates all for an instant.

I have had those blinding moments before.

They are what keep me chasing this storm;

This storm that shakes the old foundations.

This storm that pours refreshing waters almost painfully down on all.

When I feel like it is too hard, wet, and dark; I hear that rumble.

I feel it in my toes and I know the flash is coming.

Then that blinding light hits my soul.

I burst with laughter, reminded of the beauty, and feeling the love for all.

Including the stumbling, broke, lost, and bitter person I am at times.

 

I tell you this to give you hope. If you have times that you want to give up. If you think you have lost faith or don’t believe anymore. It’s okay and it’s normal. Let yourself feel these feelings. It means you are getting to the bottom of your resistance. It means you are close to another break through and you need to get broken down to surrender. Just know that you will then have an amazing experience very soon that will confirm everything for you. We are human beings with lots of feelings. These feelings help us navigate our paths.

The concept of a spiritual path is one that I think gets taken too literally. This is not a path from point A to point B. It is a way to experience life. We are not going anywhere on our spiritual paths. There is nothing to obtain. It seems to me that many keep looking for where “the path” is taking them. It’s like they are expecting some pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. The path is about stability. A spiritual path, no matter what it is, is the support you turn to, the beliefs that create your life, the magic you can connect with to remind you of the larger whole, and where you receive your guidance day to day. It is about moving through your experiences with grace not achieving something. It is about moving through your emotions to feel with clarity. Stop looking for happiness, success, and love. Stop looking for the new instructions to “lead you in the right direction”. Just be happy. Just be a success. Just be love. Stop “following a spiritual path” and instead feel, hear, see, taste, smell, and be your path.

WTF!?

We are in the midst of earthquakes, hurricanes, political questions, financial struggles, and relationships shifting. It is enough to make someone yell WTF?! Many have been talking about this being an opportunity for us to shift from fear to love. That we need to put our focus on love and let go of fear. This is easier said then done. I wanted to help all of you get a larger perspective of what is happening, get a message from the Fairies, and give you a simple exercise to help you keep your center. I was hoping to this in the form of the video but, as I will explain, things are not going smoothly right now and it has to be in blog form.

We are currently heading toward Halloween, Dia de los Muertos, All Saints Day, or Samhain. No matter what you wish to call this magical time of year, it is when they say the veil is the thinnest. What does that mean? Well, it means that it is easier for us to communicate and experience beings in other realms of existence. These could be Ghosts, Ancestor Spirits, Angels, ETs, Animal Spirits, Fairies, etc. There is a thinning within us that opens us to the idea of something more then what we experience in our day to day. This is a time when our soul seeks magic. We are also in the year 2012. This is the year when an energy that has been building for a long time is hitting its peak. The peak will be at the end of the year which is almost upon us. I see this energy as a shift in Humanity moving from a fear based reality to a love based reality. So, as we head toward the time of year when our soul longs for magic, and we are in a time when we must face our fear and move through it so we can live from love, we end up with a lot of chaos. What Humanity fears almost more then anything is the feeling of a loss of control. So we experience these many different ways of being out of control. This pushes us into trust and the energy of love.

It is very important for you to know that if you are feeling fear then you are doing everything right. The fear has to come up. It may rise as anger, sadness, anxiety, or depression, as well as feeling scared. It is important to let the feelings rise and release. Do not try to negate them to push you into love. You must move through them into love. Also know that November is going to be one of those portals time. One of those months when we experience a lot of deaths, major changes in jobs, living arrangements, and relationships. It is no accident that the election is in this month. This is also a time when things will not feel like they are going smoothly. Be very careful and clear with your communication. Be very clear on your intents for projects or even just your day. When glitches happen; breathe, stay calm and allow yourself to find the solution or another way to do what you want. Like when none of the cameras in your house work for you to make a video so instead you have to make it a blog.

I asked the Fairies for a message for everyone and this is what they said:

“This is the time for Humanity to remember they are magical beings who can create amazing experiences. When you focus on fear and worry you can create that fear and worry ten fold. This is not a bad thing. Humanity needs to face their fears and worries and experience them to realize they are more then these fears and worries. Too often you tell yourself that if X or Y happened then that is it. It would be the end of you, your life, or your existence. But we promise you that when X or Y happens you will rise above it. It will not be the same experience you created in your head. As humanity keeps facing their fears they realize that no matter what happens they will go on. Life will keep evolving and changing as you do. Some events may bring an end to the way you are but if your life changes that dramatically you will see it is for the better. Let these current events strip you down to the beautiful Divine light love core of your being. When you stand in this energy nothing can threaten you, because you know your connection, purpose, and value. We are with you always on this journey. Please ask for our help at any turn.” ~ The Fairies

The Fairies also gave me an exercise to help with this process.

  Get yourself comfortable. Close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths and focus on the light in the center of your being. Watch this light spread through your body filling you up. Now bring forward what ever you are worrying yourself with, afraid of, or stressing about. Experience this as an object in your hands; however it wishes to take form. See how small it is, take some time to look at it, feel it, sense it. Now ask the Fairies to come and take this away from you. Ask them to bring you a solution. Affirm that you are no longer wishing to trouble yourself with it any more. Now bring you focus to the light energy that has filled up your body. Allow this energy to expand out and fill up the room you are sitting in, then the entire building, then the entire city, state, country, world, and keep expanding out until you are connecting with the Sun. Then let it expand bigger. Realize that you can no longer see the room you were in or the problem you held in your hands. Let yourself be in this limitlessness for awhile. Then bring your awareness back to your body knowing you are still connected to that limitless energy.

I hope this helps you expand your consciousness about these events and brings some comfort to you. I send love to each of you and thank you for receiving it.